On the Highly Sensitive Man with Will Harper
One day, Will Harper’s upstairs neighbour stopped him in the courtyard and said, “I think you’re highly sensitive.”
That neighbour was Dr Elaine Aron.
Will is the Emmy Award-winning filmmaker behind Sensitive: The Untold Story, Sensitive and in Love, and the documentary series, Sensitive Men Rising. Elaine joined me on the podcast earlier this year, and she’s the one who suggested I speak with Will.
Will grew up in a Black community in Seaside, California, wanting to go surfing and play the flute, and was told that’s not how they rolled. Before he met Elaine, he went to psychologists and psychiatrists to ask whether he was okay, because he cried so easily. Meeting her, he says, was like finally finding his tribe.
In our conversation, Will shares how that meeting led to Sensitive: The Untold Story, and how Alanis Morissette came to be part of it.
We talk about why the word “sensitive” can make men shut down, how much the environment a sensitive boy grows up in can shape who he becomes, and why you can be highly sensitive and still be tough, play sport and do martial arts. Will also tells the story of Andrew, a big, burly Australian bloke who heard about Elaine on the radio and thought, “That’s me.”
And we talk about leadership, about holding on to optimism in hard times, and about what Will would say to a man who is just starting to realise he might be highly sensitive.
In this episode, we explore:
- How a chance meeting with his neighbour, Dr Elaine Aron, changed Will’s life and led to Sensitive: The Untold Story
- Growing up as a sensitive Black boy in Seaside, California, with a father who expected him to be a tough guy and a mother who was highly sensitive herself
- What high sensitivity is, through Elaine’s D.O.E.S. framework of depth of processing, overwhelm, empathy and sensitivity to subtleties
- How Alanis Morissette came to be in the film, and her need for downtime as a highly sensitive young songwriter
- Why the word “sensitive” can make men shut down, and how the term “sensory processing sensitivity” helped
- How high sensitivity may show up differently in men and women
- Differential susceptibility, and why the environment a sensitive child grows up in matters so much (including the risk of coddling)
- Why therapy can be especially helpful for highly sensitive people
- Andrew’s story, and how highly sensitive men can still be tough and sporty
- Highly sensitive leaders, resilience, and what sensitive and less sensitive people can learn from each other
- Why high sensitivity isn’t a diagnosis, and where it can overlap with autism and trauma
- How to support the highly sensitive men and boys in your life
- What Will wants a man who’s just realising he’s highly sensitive to know
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Dr Lauren Tober (she/her) is a Clinical Psychologist, Yoga Teacher, founder of the Yoga Psychology Institute, host of the A Grateful Life podcast and author of Mental Health Aware Yoga: A Guide for Yoga Teachers.
Lauren developed the Mental Health Aware Yoga training to help yoga teachers make their classes safe, nourishing and transformative for all.
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As a Clinical Psychologist and Yoga Teacher of nearly two decades and the author of Mental Health Aware Yoga: A Guide for Yoga Teachers, I'm passionate about integrating yoga and psychology on the mat, in the counselling room and in the world.
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